Sunday, June 13, 2010

Queen Awesome's Adventures in Cancerland: World 9

My Dad and Karen got home last night safe and sound. I picked up some stuff to make burgers and a couple salads while Kerrie picked them up from the airport and then we all met at the house. Dad and Karen were so excited about their trip and had many stories to share. It was great to hear they had such an amazing time! Kerrie and Kari helped me make dinner which I very much appreciated. While I was outside putting the burgers on the barbeque, Kari came out to see how I was holding up. I am so grateful for my Kerrie/Kari support system. They have both been so great. While we were all building our burgers, Dad asked me what was new. I decided this was my window to tell him we needed to talk after dinner. He asked if it was good or bad and I just said we'd talk after dinner.

After dinner, Dad went out to open up the motorhome for Auntie Joan and Uncle Bev to stay in. Kerrie went out to move my car and then called me outside. So out on the front lawn, I told my Dad I have cancer. My stomach was in a knot. I think the news took Dad by surprise. I showed him the scar on my arm from the biopsy and read him some of the results. I'm sure once the news sinks in a bit more (and Dad has recovered from the jet lag a bit more!) there'll be some more questions.

After we left Dad's house, I broke down. It was a bad night last night. Kerrie bought me the second season of True Blood on dvd and I had wanted to watch the season finale again before tonight's premiere. So we went to his place and watched that. That was a good distraction. But pretty much as soon as it was over, it all started to hit me again. I don't know if finally telling my secret made this all the more real or what, but it all suddenly became very overwhelming. Maybe I had been bottling things up in an effort to hide it and the cork finally came off. I don't know. I just know, last night was not one of my prouder moments. I bawled. It was like the last few years of my life caught up with me all at once. I feel like I've been hammered. I feel like it's been non-stop hurdles for the last few years and I desperately need a chance to catch my breath. And I'm scared. I hate that I have to have another surgery. I'm tired and I don't want to do it. I know that I have to, but right now, the tank is on empty. I think the news that I have cancer is finally just hitting me.

I am feeling a bit better today. The nice weather helps too. My frenemy, Mr Sun, is finally out!! Today my secret comes out and that's a little nerve racking. I've been letting aunts and uncles know and soon, I'll come out on facebook. The ultimate news revealing source =p I questioned whether or not to make this entry. It's hard to be open about my breakdown, but I also wanted this blog to be an honest journey through Cancerland. Last night was a bad night, but maybe I needed to have that. Today is a better day. I will get through this. I have to. There is no other option!

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