Monday, June 7, 2010

Queen Awesome's Adventures in Cancerland: World 1

I have cancer. It still feels so surreal to say that. It hasn't completely sunk in. I have cancer. Nope, still doesn't feel real.

This story starts with I first joined this site when I was planning my wedding to my ex-husband. I had a mole on my left arm that my dad was concerned about and Brad often told me I should have checked out. I wasn't concerned about it and I think part of my feet-dragging to have it checked out was fear. One of the girls on the weddingbells site went by the screen name Londonella. Someone posted the link to Londonella’s blog and I began following it. Her story really hit home with me. Sarah's story gave me that push to have my mole checked. I am terrified of needles and the thought of having it removed was enough to make me feel sick. One day after work, I was driving home and worked up the courage to stop at a walk-in clinic to have the mole checked. The doctor I saw that day looked at it and decided it was nothing to be concerned about. He offered to burn the mole off with liquid nitrogen right there. Completely relieved that a)it was nothing to worry about and b)there would be no needles involved, I happily agreed. He came in with his vial of nitrogen and 5 minutes later I left with a small bandage on my arm.

As the weeks and months went by, I noticed that the spot on my arm was still very purple looking and didn't seem to be getting any lighter. Most people that I spoke to told me not to worry, that the scar would fade eventually. The scar never faded. Instead the mole slowly came back. After it had been removed, it looked almost like a bruise. A purple bruise about the size of a pencil eraser. However this bruise had a dark brown/black dot in the middle.

By the time the wedding rolled around, the mole was back and bigger. Once again my dad urged me to go see a doctor, but once again I brushed it off. So stupid. I should have put my fears aside. I should have gone as soon as the mole returned. You can see the mole on my upper arm in this wedding photo.

For the last couple years, the mole changed rapidly. Even right now I'm just realizing how much it had changed from the wedding day until now. I guess when you see it every day you don't realize just how much and how quickly it did change. You can see the mole in this picture from Kerrie and my trip to Vegas.

Every time I looked at the mole, I thought of Sarah. I thought of Sarah and her story and I knew I shouldn't wait. I knew I shouldn't be procrastinating. I knew I should go and have it checked. I was terrified. I let the fear override commonsense. I let fear overcome what I knew had to be done.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear this Crystal. Stay Strong!